Life has taken a few turns, partly because of my brand-new companion, the ever-present bipolar, and partly just because life has a way of making changes.
After 29 years, my husband and I have decided to part ways. He is a good man, a kind man, and I think we have made each others lives better by sharing them, but it seems that now that I have a name for my behavior and I know that it is not what might be considered normal it is harder to live with. This was my choice and not his and it was a very personal thing for me so I won't dwell on that.
What I will say is that I learned how very difficult it is to deal with stress while battling this. My husband has many health problems - seems when we hit this age we all do - and his blood pressure was up and down, his sleeping patterns suffered, and he was a wreck. I was, too - not physically, but mentally. Never one prone to depression, it seemed I would break into tears at the drop of a hat, leaving everyone wondering what they should say or do.
It was not a fun time. Having to walk on eggshells around someone never is.
But it is nearly over. Our divorce will be finalized on April 11. Funny - our 29th anniversary will be on March 31. We plan to celebrate the good times and put the bad ones behind us.
More importantly, we plan to continue to be the best of friends. And that is essential. I want the best for him, even if in the future it is not walking the same path as I will walk. He deserves that much.
This blog is going to take a different turn from here on out.
Instead of concentrating only on personal issues, I want to scour the Web for the latest information, share it here... open it up for anyone to discuss issues... watch it evolve into something that will have value to someone besides me.
Oh, my... one of those psychologists would read that and shout out that I am having feelings of grandiosity and must watch out for mania, wouldn't they?
Ever feel as if you might have had someone start to get worried because you laugh too long or talk to fast, feel the need to exercise or aren't hungry?
Odd that normal behavior takes on dark connotations when you have a label.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Coming to Terms
As you can see, it has been a while since I last posted. There is a reason for that. I have had to come to terms with the creature within me. The Bipolar creature... but more importantly... the Knowledge creature.
That's right. The Knowledge creature. Knowing that all of the things I was were because of something living inside of me - something that I didn't have a clue existed. And once I realized that those things were a real part of me, were really something and that I didn't have to hide it or run from it or medicate it - well, it took a while, but once I reached that point I realized that I LIKE who I am. I really like me. And that is a good thing.
I didn't need the medications.
I promised to tell what those did to me, didn't I? It has been long enough ago that I barely remember what they did.
I know that I had headaches.
Memory problems. Couldn't teach.
Vivid dreams - in living color, and so real I could not tell what was and was not real.
I entered a depression - very unusual for me.
I was dizzy. Nauseous.
I felt numb.
And I could go on and on and on, but instead - I just quit.
Went to a doctor and had a complete physical to rule out any physical reason for my behavior. And then I went on with life.
I didn't hide what I had. Instead I read everything I could on it. I read self-help books, books on medications, books on behavior, books on therapy, books on brain imaging. I read blogs. Searched the Internet for answers. And I finally found an answer in my own heart.
I use my life - my bipolar that is such a part of me - as a teaching tool.
I incorporate a discussion of the poets and writers that were so creative and were either diagnosed during their lifetimes, or in many cases, suspected to have had it, but missed being diagnosed because they have been dead a century or two or four.
I don't back off from mentioning symptoms - that I tend to have auditory and olfactory hallucinations, that sometimes I see things that are not there. That I might not interpret facial expressions or even remember faces. That I am a little ADHD, a bit OCD, a lot ICD, and have so many other alphabet letters along side the bipolar that the educational letters are totally obscured.
I am available if students want to talk - since I have been so open about it, many of my students discuss their own diagnoses with me. I can't give advice, but I can commiserate, and we have formed a bit of a support group. Together we are trying to address the stigma, to change the focus to the positive aspects.
There are many.
We are at the forefront of an evolutionary process. We are perceptive... empathetic. We rise to the occasion when there is a crisis. We have more energy than most people. We get things done. And yes, while there is a down side - we are also quite capable of reaching heights that are unimaginable to most people.
Reach them we will, in spite of ourselves.
Or just maybe - because of ourselves.
So now - the blog needs to evolve, to develop a focus. Watch for the next post, and feel free to offer any input on what you would like to see discussed.
That's right. The Knowledge creature. Knowing that all of the things I was were because of something living inside of me - something that I didn't have a clue existed. And once I realized that those things were a real part of me, were really something and that I didn't have to hide it or run from it or medicate it - well, it took a while, but once I reached that point I realized that I LIKE who I am. I really like me. And that is a good thing.
I didn't need the medications.
I promised to tell what those did to me, didn't I? It has been long enough ago that I barely remember what they did.
I know that I had headaches.
Memory problems. Couldn't teach.
Vivid dreams - in living color, and so real I could not tell what was and was not real.
I entered a depression - very unusual for me.
I was dizzy. Nauseous.
I felt numb.
And I could go on and on and on, but instead - I just quit.
Went to a doctor and had a complete physical to rule out any physical reason for my behavior. And then I went on with life.
I didn't hide what I had. Instead I read everything I could on it. I read self-help books, books on medications, books on behavior, books on therapy, books on brain imaging. I read blogs. Searched the Internet for answers. And I finally found an answer in my own heart.
I use my life - my bipolar that is such a part of me - as a teaching tool.
I incorporate a discussion of the poets and writers that were so creative and were either diagnosed during their lifetimes, or in many cases, suspected to have had it, but missed being diagnosed because they have been dead a century or two or four.
I don't back off from mentioning symptoms - that I tend to have auditory and olfactory hallucinations, that sometimes I see things that are not there. That I might not interpret facial expressions or even remember faces. That I am a little ADHD, a bit OCD, a lot ICD, and have so many other alphabet letters along side the bipolar that the educational letters are totally obscured.
I am available if students want to talk - since I have been so open about it, many of my students discuss their own diagnoses with me. I can't give advice, but I can commiserate, and we have formed a bit of a support group. Together we are trying to address the stigma, to change the focus to the positive aspects.
There are many.
We are at the forefront of an evolutionary process. We are perceptive... empathetic. We rise to the occasion when there is a crisis. We have more energy than most people. We get things done. And yes, while there is a down side - we are also quite capable of reaching heights that are unimaginable to most people.
Reach them we will, in spite of ourselves.
Or just maybe - because of ourselves.
So now - the blog needs to evolve, to develop a focus. Watch for the next post, and feel free to offer any input on what you would like to see discussed.
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