It's been a while since I have posted. There is a reason for that. Went to the psychiatrist, as promised. And I feel cheated. Pushed. Ramrodded. Manipulated. And stupid.
Stupid for not standing up for myself.
Stupid for allowing myself to be manipulated.
Stupid for trusting a government agency to know what was best for me in spite of all my research, all my study.
When I walked in the psychiatrist smiled, asked my symptoms - most of which I suddenly found I couldn't remember - and asked when I had been diagnosed. I told him the truth - that I hadn't actually been and thought that was his job. He smiled a nice, condescending smile and immediately began to talk about what medication I should be on. I insisted on two things - I had to be able to think, and I didn't want anything that would affect my memory.
I wound up walking out with prescriptions for Lamictal and Haldol, the latter prescribed to "cure" the insomnia that the former would cause. Rather an ominous sign.

Dropped the prescriptions off at the pharmacy and went to review the meds before actually taking anything. What I read horrified me. The Lamictal didn't look too bad - it was an anticonvulsant, the side effects seemed mild, it seemed to target depression more than mania but was used as a maintenance drug and studies showed that most people tolerated it well. The Haldol was another story. It was an older anti psychotic, and the side effects were - well, for me they would have been intolerable. As I read, I discovered that it was seldom prescribed any more.  I called the pharmacy and told them to hold filling that prescription. After talking to the pharmacist - who seemed to be offended that I would question the psychiatrist - I settled on the addition of an OTC sleep remedy, melatonin. Melatonin, she assured me, would be quite safe and would not interact with the Lamictal.

I wasn't comfortable with the medication, but had promised that I would give it a fair shot to see what happened. So, that night, with trepidation I took a quarter of a 150 mg tablet of Lamictal and a melatonin pill. How bad could that little dose get?

I was about to find out.