Well, this-on again, off-again virtual confessional is back on again, but this time with some advice for bipolars AND those who are what might commonly be referred to as "normal." (Is anyone ever really normal?)
This is a crash course in divorce for the uninitiated. And it starts long, long before the relationship begins to crumble. It is for men as well as women. It is what I really, really wish that someone had told me before I ever initiated divorce proceedings because I might have salvaged something out of 29 years of marriage besides heartache and a battered old truck. I made every mistake in the book financially, and it had nothing to do with bipolar. It was sheer stupidity on my part.
Note to self - don't go Catholic on myself. (I have a friend who is sure that my ever-pervasive sense of guilt is due to my Catholic upbringing. He may be right or he may not be right, but the term is pretty accurate about that bipolar habit of feeling inadequate and blaming oneself for everything that goes wrong.)
So, back to the point here - what did I learn?
Number 1. If you have a prenup, that is a good thing, but there are still a lot of things to avoid. Like maybe not thinking about making sure that whatever you bring into the marriage is protected? For example, I brought a house into the marriage, but moved in with my husband. When the house finally sold, the money from the house went into a joint account. I never saw a penny of it. When things started to go South, the money wound up going into qa vehicle for him and the mortgage on the place where we lived, including a business we ran together. Not so bad, right? That has to have paid the mortgage down, right? That's a good thing, right?
Move to number two.
2. WRONG. Because the money was co-mingled (put in a joint account), it was now considered money that belonged to both of us. So I should have half, right?
Move to number three.
3. WRONG. He brought the house and business into the marriage... and although I donated every cent I made to the upkeep of the place, I neglected to make sure of one very important item. I didn't check to see that he had put my name on the deed. And he hadn't. So everything I brought into the marriage was gone, and everything that I had contributed to our joint business was gone. And there is more.
4. Retirement accounts are considered something that is an asset that can be divided between the two spouses. And at least one state (New York) considers that a spouse who helped to send another to school to earn a degree is entitled to half of all future earnings. Remember that, folks. Fortunately, inheritances that you might get in the future are off-limits, but if you have a monetary inheritance while you are married you can't let them be co-mingled. Keep them in a separate account. Keep his or her name off the deed if the inheritance is property, and don't let stocks or bonds go in both names if you want them to be considered only yours. So what else can go wrong? Move on to number five.
5. Never trust your counselor. We went to marriage therapy and my therapist told my husband that I was going to ask for a divorce. Result? He went to see a lawyer, moved the money from the joint accounts and refused every single compromise I offered. Where was the honest ad ethical man I married? So....
6. Hardest lesson of all. Never trust the person you previously trusted with your life. When material possessions - or kids or pets or anticipated futures or lost dreams or whatever - enter the picture, everything gets skewed. Trying to be a nice guy and to be fair only gets you burned. So.....
7. Lucky seven, the final number. Don't get burned. Be smart. Be proactive. Do a prenup. Keep your money separate. And no matter how in love you are, remember those divorce statistics and keep one eye open while you are kissing the love of your life, just so you don't get stabbed in the back while you aren't looking.
And as for my now ex and me? I hope things will get better. I hope he will return to being the kind, generous man that he was. I hope we can someday be friends again. I hope I can get over having to start over from scratch because I acted with my heart instead of my head. Mostly, I hope that someone out there sees this and acts on it. It isn't a matter of not trusting someone. It is a matter of simply taking precautions - like wearing a seat belt or setting up a home security system.
Peace out, all. Life will be good again.
