Okay. I'm not going to be able to be fixed. But in order to be fixed, something has to be broken. I just don't feel like I am broken, even though I keep hearing that I am. I hear that I have an illness. A disease. A genetic abnormality. A disorder.
But I don't think those words fit. Disease means something that has invaded and causes problems. A cold is a disease that is considered an illness. It makes you miserable until it is over and done with. Syphilis is a disease. Cancer is a disease. They maim and kill. A genetic abnormality isn't a disease... it is something that you are born with, something that is in your makeup. And a disorder indicates something out of whack somewhere.
But this is different.
Who wouldn't want something that makes you feel good? Something that increases energy and creativity and productivity? Something that makes people like to be around you, that makes you happy? Something that gives you the courage to do things that other people can't, or won't?
So in that respect, this is a gift.
William Blake.
Wordsworth.
Schumann.
Georgia O'Keefe.
Gaugin.
Herman Hesse.
Hemingway.
Michelangelo.
Mark Twain.
Hans Christian Anderson.
Graham Greene.
Theodore Roethke.
Walt Whitman.
And a multitude of others.
All have - or had - this same gift.
I am in good company.
Don't try to fix me. I am not broken. I am different, unique, one of a kind. And I demand to be respected for my differences. I demand not to be treated as if I am diseased. I demand the right to privacy, the right to think and speak as I wish, the right to chart my own course in life. I demand the right to live and to exercise my free will.
I demand the right to have my life back.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Starting the Journey
The first visit with a therapist was interesting. My husband went in first to set background information, and 40 minutes later I was invited in. I was surprised that his visit took so long. He must have had a lot to say.
I knew a little bit about what to expect. Since I first found out what was going on I had searched for everything I could read about it. Much of the information was very basic - symptoms, treatments, etc. Some of it included personal experiences. Those ran the gamut - some were very well written and yielded valuable insight. Some were not, and made me wonder if I ever sounded like those people. I suppose it is possible that I, too, may have been incoherent during a manic episode.
The therapist was very young, wore black leggings and a tunic top and had wild, curly red hair and a rather distracted air about her. She looked young enough to have been one of my students. I was glad that I had done the research before seeing the therapist as I was able to come in with some idea of what the questions were going to be. Still, something seems to have backfired as she became more agitated and excited during the interview, and that, in turn, made me nervous and I am sure I said some things that were not true or that I did not mean. I tried to be as honest as possible, but I am not sure that this is going to be the therapist for me. I would prefer someone who is calm and professional. This girl had a habit of playing with her glasses and leaning far enough forward in her chair to invade my space, an action I have always felt was quite rude although it has never really bothered me as I realize that some people will try to do that to create an atmosphere of closeness. In this case I suspected that she was looking to see if I would move away or otherwise be uncomfortable.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next and hope that things will go a little more smoothly.
In the meantime, I am still reading and researching, trying to understand exactly what is going on in my head, exactly what the technical terms mean when they are bandied about, and determined to have a handle on what is going to happen.
I am looking at alternatives to medication, and have begun keeping a journal to be sure to monitor and understand my own behavior and my own triggers for manic episodes.
Quite honestly, I like the manic episodes as long as they are controlled and don't go so high that I get in trouble. I like the energy, the clarity of thought, and the accomplishments. I also prefer not to sleep for eight or nine hours and have been herded off to bed at 9 p.m. every evening since I have been labeled with this problem. I have trouble getting all my work done with so many hours spent stuck in bed, and I wake up dragging instead of bouncing with energy. I dont like the feeling.
A good friend told me to wait before answering anything, and to think my responses and actions through instead of going on impulse and emotion. I think that is very good advice and will work on that. Keeping a journal to help me recognize when I have a mood swing will also help me to control those. I believe that is called cognitive-behavior therapy, and I will push for at least a trial with that instead of going to medication immediately.
I knew a little bit about what to expect. Since I first found out what was going on I had searched for everything I could read about it. Much of the information was very basic - symptoms, treatments, etc. Some of it included personal experiences. Those ran the gamut - some were very well written and yielded valuable insight. Some were not, and made me wonder if I ever sounded like those people. I suppose it is possible that I, too, may have been incoherent during a manic episode.
The therapist was very young, wore black leggings and a tunic top and had wild, curly red hair and a rather distracted air about her. She looked young enough to have been one of my students. I was glad that I had done the research before seeing the therapist as I was able to come in with some idea of what the questions were going to be. Still, something seems to have backfired as she became more agitated and excited during the interview, and that, in turn, made me nervous and I am sure I said some things that were not true or that I did not mean. I tried to be as honest as possible, but I am not sure that this is going to be the therapist for me. I would prefer someone who is calm and professional. This girl had a habit of playing with her glasses and leaning far enough forward in her chair to invade my space, an action I have always felt was quite rude although it has never really bothered me as I realize that some people will try to do that to create an atmosphere of closeness. In this case I suspected that she was looking to see if I would move away or otherwise be uncomfortable.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next and hope that things will go a little more smoothly.
In the meantime, I am still reading and researching, trying to understand exactly what is going on in my head, exactly what the technical terms mean when they are bandied about, and determined to have a handle on what is going to happen.
I am looking at alternatives to medication, and have begun keeping a journal to be sure to monitor and understand my own behavior and my own triggers for manic episodes.
Quite honestly, I like the manic episodes as long as they are controlled and don't go so high that I get in trouble. I like the energy, the clarity of thought, and the accomplishments. I also prefer not to sleep for eight or nine hours and have been herded off to bed at 9 p.m. every evening since I have been labeled with this problem. I have trouble getting all my work done with so many hours spent stuck in bed, and I wake up dragging instead of bouncing with energy. I dont like the feeling.
A good friend told me to wait before answering anything, and to think my responses and actions through instead of going on impulse and emotion. I think that is very good advice and will work on that. Keeping a journal to help me recognize when I have a mood swing will also help me to control those. I believe that is called cognitive-behavior therapy, and I will push for at least a trial with that instead of going to medication immediately.
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